Who thought it would cost me a cell phone and over thousand dollars not to shoot a turkey. But I’m getting ahead of myself. The Admiral and I just got back from chasing wild turkey with our buddy CC, the Jägermeister, up north east of Sacramento. We were supposed to meet him at 5 am at our motel but I had trouble getting out of bed as I’ve recently fallen in love with a young thing who kept me up most of the night. Finally, the Admiral, a very patient woman, rousted me and my lady friend and we got out to the area we planned to hunt just as the boys were starting to gobble. CC set up the admiral by a tree with some decoys outside the tree line where he thought the turkeys were roosted. Below is what the Admiral looks like armed and dangerous at 6am sporting a “don’t mess with me” look.
CC told me to go down to the left to a place where I couldn’t see the Admiral and sit under some trees in case the birds flew down that way. I did so and within a few minutes, I hear very loud gobbling in the trees right behind me – damn, I’d sat right under some roost trees and I know the birds had seen me move in. Sure enough, the gobbling continues all around me and then “Whoosh,” a turkey sails over my head, clears the little rise in front of me and disappears. Then two more Toms follow suit – I am one frustrated fella when all of a sudden one flies down and lands some 30 yards in front of me. He hits the ground running fast and he looks straight at me. I quickly raise my shotgun and fire but miss as he takes off over the rise. My excuse is that the earlier birds had pooped on me as they went overhead as a sign of their distain and I mistook some or their droppings on the side of my barrel for the white sight bead. What do you mean you think that is a pile of turkey crap? Meanwhile, just before I fired, a nice Tom had been coming to the decoys where the Admiral was but he got hung up and then backed off when he saw the Admiral move her head. So we both struck out. Time to try another area.
This time the Admiral and I set up by a tree on the property’s fence line and soon had three Jake’s coming across and up the hill toward us. They began to pass by but a few calls got their attention and they saw the decoys in front of us. They began working their way cautiously toward us and it looked like we were in the game. Then when they are about 50-60 yards away, we hear a noise getting louder and louder behind us. About a minute later, the neighbor rancher pulls up about 100 yards from us on his side of the fence, gets out, slams the door, lets out three dogs and proceeds to put out hay for a couple of horses. Talk about bad timing. The dogs must have smelled us for one started barking wildly while another runs down to me and wants to play. Of course, that is way too much for the turkeys who early on with all the commotion high tail it out of there. Busted again!
Well maybe the third time will be a charm as we spot three birds displaying by a hen in an large open field 10 minutes later. CC tries to call them but no doing and so we decide that he and I will stalk them. Once they go over a rise, we run down from where we are and peek over to see where the birds have gotten to. We repeat this process three times, each time getting closer. Then as they go over the next rise, I start running downhill but I lose control and go flying head first while pitching my shotgun in front of me. Yes the safety was on. I fortunately land on soft grass/earth so I pick up myself and my shotgun, make sure the barrel is clear and go peak over the next rise. The three birds about 35 yards away and walking away from me. I put the shotgun up to my shoulder but I am waving it around like a firehose as I’m totally exhausted. I pull the trigger and I miss. I say something much stronger than “Oh bother how dreadful” and then CC and I take the long walk back to the Admiral. We decide to call it a day.
That evening we stopped in to see CC’s family and deliver a special treat for them – a camo hunting cake complete with dead deer, blood trail and all. Even the cake inside was “Camo” colored We had great fun had in making it and the kids really got a bang out of it in addition to having an excuse for having cake as a main course for dinner.
The next morning, we go back to where we’d been the morning before but with the Admiral across from where we’d seen other birds while CC and I set up a respectable distance from the roosting area. I’m in a gully about 60 yards from my hen decoy which is up on top of a rise where the Toms will be able to see it. CC out of sight to my right. About 7:30 am, I see a big fan appear on the top of the hill. Sure enough, a nice Tom comes up and visits the decoy but is too far away for a shot. He looks like he is going move down toward me but then I hear “putt, putt”. A damn hen turkey way downhill from me that I hadn’t seem must seen me and is sending a warning. So the Tom goes back over the hill but he is still gobbling away. I crawl carefully up the hill so if he puts his head over again, he is a goner. However, about 5 minutes later I hear BOOM to my right. The nice Tom with 9”+ beard had made the fatal mistake of walking down toward CC. We are happy.
Now the day gets a bit “complex”. As we walk back to the truck, I realize my 4S iPhone and cell phone holder is no longer on my belt. I’d had it while sitting in my original spot but it ain’t with me now.
I say something way beyond “Oh bother how dreadful.” To make a long story short, while we could follow my tracks in the wet grass, the phone had completely disappeared. We couldn’t ring the phone as it was on airplane mode so after 2-3 hours of searching, we gave up. After driving to another area, we got some gobbles but couldn’t coax anybody to come play. By now were we were tired plus a bit frustrated by the phone business so the Admiral and I headed home where we arrived around 10 pm with plans to go to the Verizon’s store when it opened at 10 am the next morning to get a new phone.
The next day, things really start getting weird. At about 9 am in the morning, I get a phone call on our home line but the only sound I hear is a bunch of gobbling. That’s right gobbling. WTF! Then I get an email and picture on my computer from CC saying that his youngest daughter, who is cute as a bug, and he were out where we’d been and had just shot a nice Tom. But he also seen something very unusual in the area where we’d been the morning before.
He tells me, and CC is a very honest man, that he’d seen ten turkeys all in a line with the one in front holding some kind of silver object by its head. Huh? Soon thereafter, I get an email from my own email address with the attached picture. These turkeys had found, unlocked and were using my phone – they are clearly more skilled than the FBI at getting into iPhones. They were apparently taking turns contacting friends via my phone. I dashed into the Verizon’s store when it opened at 10 am where upon the manager informed me that I was responsible for all calls until I had switched over to a new phone with the charges in the last 24 hours being over $1600 as there had been communications all over the world – Damn turkeys. I swore revenge even before Verizon checked only to tell me my old phone had been hacked and modified so that it no longer responded to their commands to shut it down. And then as a final insult, I get a text message on my new 6s iPhone with this picture telling me to “EAT HAM”. So if any of you sees a turkey talking on an iPhone, no your eyes are not deceiving you. Shoot the bugger for me!